Little Pieces Of Me: How I Survived Widowhood
Several years ago I had quite a different life. I suddenly found myself a young single mother with three children to journey through life with. My neuvo-unmarried status was not a choice of mine. Fate had dealt me a losing hand. Never would I have imagined that when I kissed my husband good-bye that fateful morning I would never kiss, much less see him again.
As I arrived home that night, I was greeted, as usual, by my kids, who were concerned that their father had not yet arrived. I made frantic phone calls to friends and relatives. I had a feeling deep within my core that something was horribly wrong. My feelings were confirmed a short while later when I noticed a car slowly approach my house. My oldest daughter sensed something was amiss. She asked me not to answer.
I saw a police car out the window so opened the door. A detective was looking me in the eye. His eyes squinted and a slight frown on his face. I knew before he told me that it was a tragedy and had something to do with my family. I immediately fell to my knees, I childishly covered my ears with my hands and threw the phone at him. On the phone was my husbands’ brother whom I had been speaking with at the time. I heard the detectives words they burned deep into my being. He informed me that my husband was dead. I do not remember most of the following few weeks until this day.
Close friends and family took over the daily routine of my life until I was through the initial shock. However the pain remained relentless. There was pain in every breathe I took and every thought I felt. Pain it was my constant companion, It kept me company in those long sleepless nights. The nights were always the worst. Darkness begets darkness. My pain was so immense that it burned through my veins circulating through my heart. There was no reprise. Pain ruled my impulses. At one point I considered ending it all. I plotted my own demise. It would have been so easy. So easy to curl up into a fetal position and reverse life. At one point I ran my car off the road only to turn the wheel back at the point of no return. I had pills. I had a gun. I toyed with these ideas, like a cat toys with its prey right before it pounces. The idea of the gun seemed most appropriate as it would be quick and no changing of my mind at the last minute.
All of a sudden, out of the blue, I began thinking clearly. I asked myself, “Who would clean the mess I left behind? I began to laugh until I couldn’t stop. Then cried until I couldn’t stop. I slept that night a long restful sleep. I awoke the next morning with a plan. Laughter and a plan, they have carried me far. I now enjoy life. I am a proud mother and grandmother of beautiful grown and infant children. I love life, humor, theater and the arts. I still have moments of pain and fear, but they are few and far between. Life is for the living, and I am living it to the fullest. I never thought I would get through that. I not only got through it, but as a stronger more compassionate person.
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