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Here’s the deal: boys like trucks and fast cars; girls love anything pretty and pink; and men – you know it’s true – simply cannot find the will within themselves to put away the over-sized map and stop to ask for driving directions. This is just the truth. There, I said it.

There’s definitely a comedian continuum. On the far left of the spectrum, you’ve got your comedians who can dish out some of the hottest language and foulest jokes you could ever conceive. On the far right, there are those comics whose brand of comedy evokes a Sunday school musical –funny in its own right, but not for everybody. When you’re considering hiring a clean comedian, you’ve got to think to yourself, “What kind of entertainment will my guests be able to stomach?” Perhaps start from the centre and move closer to the right and you’ll be sure to find someone who fits the clean comic description.

In lieu of insisting that you MUST get in the driver’s seat, there’s one extremely easy method that, in it’s preliminary stages, appears to work magnificently. Be warned however, that there might be unpredictable reactions from your guy – like disorientation and selective absentmindedness (yes, he’ll claim that he doesn’t know what you’re talking about if you bring it up). Here’s the plan: Okay, so it’s undeniably clear that you’re lost (that is, is clear to you). Start behaving as if you’re in the car by yourself – scoot toward the window like you’re taking a nap; do a puzzle, sing along softly to some music – anything that makes a show of your being completely oblivious that anything is wrong. No matter what – do not even glance in your guys direction. If he happens to ask you to look at a map, say “Okay!” in a very cheerful voice and as soon as you pick up the map and begin to unfold it, quickly tell him “Oh, I really have to go to the bathroom badly – I’ve got a cramp, can you please find somewhere to stop?!”

You can also just ask the comedian if they’re brand of comedy is family friendly. Though it may seem a stretch, when you hire a clean comedian, you’re not only paying for clean cut comedy, you’re paying for honesty –quite frankly, that’s something you should expect from anybody to whom you’re giving cash. If you hire a clean comedian, you can be sure that they’ll let you know that they’re a clean comic.

In a matter of minutes my friend was as bare as a newborn in “THAT AREA.” That part over, he was relieved. “It probably won’t get any worse than that,” he thought, reassuring himself. Then the doctor came into the room. He picked up a scalpel and a hypodermic needle. The scene shifted into slow motion. He moved toward my friend. “Would it be possible to just sacrifice a few limbs to a fertility god, and get the same results?” my friend stammered. The doctor smiled ghoulishly. “In a manner of speaking that’s what we’re going to be doing.” He laughed. Lightning flashed through the window. “AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” my friend remarked. The doctor continued with his labors. “This might hurt a little bit,” he said as he drew his needle, making the understatement of the century, in that puckish manner all doctors seem to have.

For the duration of the operation, “AHHHHHHHHHHH” became the operative phrase, so to speak. Much to the astonishment of my friend, as the love life threatening work continued, the doctor and nurse carried on a conversation about every banal subject known to man. (I might mention, though, that the nurse did happen to bring up the subject of a logging company. Personally, I think it was Freudian. No brag intended, for my friend, that is, of course.) For several days after the operation any quick movement brought excruciating pain to the precise area that a man instinctively feels the strongest aversion to avoid pain. For the first time in his life my friend went out of his way to avoid stimulation in “THAT AREA.” As agonizing as the whole event was (and women think childbirth is tough – HA!) it was definitely worth it. At least that’s what my friend says. Now with his newly vasectomized parts, when he makes love to his wife he feels like a movie star in an action-adventure movie – he can shoot his gun all he wants, but no one ever gets hit.

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